Okay, so you know how your parents always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" And you know how that went out the window whenever you were playing sports? Saying "not nice" things to the referees during a game seems to be part of the sport, right? Well, I was raised and coached with the aforementioned rule fully in place, even when playing soccer. I realized at a young age that my dad (who was also my soccer coach for the majority of my youth) was right when he imposed that don't open your mouth unless you are saying something nice to the ref. Yelling at the ref only gets more fouls called...on you. I would hate the games when refs took the game over and called every ticky tack foul there was and would complain that he or she just didn't let us play the game. And then on the games when the ref DID let us play, I, of course, complained that he or she should have called the fouls. The only time I was ever happy with the refs of the game was when we won and I didn't get hurt. Well, some things never change. I recently was playing in a recreational indoor soccer game where the ref was "letting us play" and it ended up that an elbow, wrist, ankle, knee, and head were injured during the game. Both teams decided to regulate the game on their own since the ref wasn't doing it for them. Never a good feeling.
I left that game stating I would never play against that team again because I appreciated the fact that with four children counting on me to be able to move and function on two legs was much more important than winning a soccer game. I was not the only one. Our team forfeited the next game against the aforementioned team. And I'm not going to lie, I hope they were mad that we didn't show up. Poor sportsmanship? Maybe. Smart on my part? Absolutely. I blamed the behavior of the players on the ref who wasn't really reffing the game. If only he had called a tight game in the beginning, the players on both teams would not have been so vengeful on the field when they felt they had been fouled. He could have loosened up during the game. But he chose to ref the game just the opposite way, loose in the beginning and then tried to clamp down as player by player went down with an injury. They say refs don't win or lose a game, and it's true. But they certainly can prevent injury.
I have been thinking a lot about refs lately. I have a son, a bright, intelligent, funny, clever, talented son. I have a bullied, hurt, questioning, small, unsure son. I have a son that has been beaten and bruised physically and emotionally by kids his age for years. Where's the foul? Where are the refs that are on the field when I can't be there to protect him? Are they just letting the kids play? Are they saying play on while my child is on the ground? Are they saying walk it off because what they saw wasn't big enough to call a foul? I see brilliance and hope in my son that he can't see or chooses not to see. He sees himself as a small, picked on kid that can't do anything right. And all I want to do is go and teach the other kids a lesson...while my child collects his proof and evidence that he can't fight back, that he's not as big as, not as good as everybody else. Where's the foul?
So, I have been in junior high. I have friends had whom I though were my best friends turn on me and say some not nice things about me and to me. But I had one thing going for me, I was okay in my own skin. Yes, it hurt, but it was never an injury that took me out of the game. This has been a hard thing to watch--my son is not okay in his own skin. The worst part isn't the disrespecting kids, who don't have good self esteem either, but the worst part is my son believes them instead of believing in himself. The ref doesn't win or lose games, but they can prevent injury. I am still on my journey of being at peace with some kind of solution to this scenario--the school has been contacted, my son has heard how awesome his parents think he is, he has been given a long list of amazing characteristics, gifts, and talents that he possesses...but that's it. First and foremost, my son gets to be okay in his own skin and that isn't something that I can give him. What I can give him is a safe place to discover that. My son deserves to feel okay and he deserves to let others know that they're okay, too. However, I will not have other kids learning their lessons at my son's expense. There will be retribution, just without injury.
For my son, the best advice a coach ever gave him was to not play like he was small, but play as if he were big. Instead of playing like how he thinks the world sees him, he needs to play as big as his gifts and talents are--and they are huge. This advice was reiterated to him last night. Stop playing small. Start playing to your potential. The only person that sees you as small is you. Stop looking in the mirror and start looking in your heart and see how big you really are.
As for me? I think it is time for me to let neighborhood parents and school officials know that it is ALL our jobs to create a safe environment for ALL children. So that the bully doesn't feel like he needs to beat up on someone to feel like he has worth. So that the lonely kid doesn't need to push a kid around just to have some kind of interaction. So that the picked on kid doesn't feel like he needs to yell at his sister to regain his power. So that the star football player doesn't think he needs to take something from a young woman to make him look like a man. So that the behavior of a person is not the fault of the ref, or the parent, or society. It's a cycle that can be changed. I'm in. Are you?
Anecdote of the day: "Mom, you are turning 39. That means you're still a decade away from 40." Man, I love little kid math :)
